Life Update @ 21

 I'm a 3rd Year student now

It's actually so fucking sad, how different everything seems to be.

Jannah back then would be very alarmed about due dates, putting effort into her work. Now I feel like I'm leeching off my friends because I barely can put myself together.

It's like I've lost motivation. Not the will to live but the will to be bright. The will to be happy. The will of being 'me' again. Now my happiness is defined by what I get from gacha rolls (which is a clear gambling addiction at this point). I want the old Jannah back. The Jannah that used to be so happy about painting, about drawing. The jannah that had the energy to finish a novel a day and brag it to her friends. I missed that jannah.

Now my friends are stuck with this jannah. The jannah who procrastinates more than she used to. The jannah who doesn't contribute as much as she did back then in group works. The jannah who wakes up at 11am because she sleeps late because she's distracted all the time.

I'm stuck with this jannah. Ugly, fat, face full of pimples, horrendous voice, lack of skills, lack of everything. When I look at my friends, "They can do it, why can't I?". Why can't I be smarter as them? Why do I struggle with every little thing when they do it effortlessly.

Why am I lacking? I'm 21, about to turn 22 next year. I'm lacking.

I'm supposed to GROW UP. BE AN ADULT.

I'm not.

...

And my lack of everything effects the people I care.

My friends, my groupmates who carry me, my family. Myself? Fuck myself. I wouldn't be here if I did something but I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I complain wanting what's best but I ask, do I even deserve it? I don't deserve any better, looking at what I've accomplished, I'm literally nothing.

I'm on week 8 of my semester and I'm barely getting through.

I wish I could contribute more.

I wish I was smarter, I wish I studied more.

I wish I was prettier, skinnier, fairer.

I wish I was better.

...

But No.

The world is stuck with this jannah. Cuz the old jannah is already cracked. 

And she can't glue herself back together.

It's pathetic. That other people can persevere.

While I'm stuck here.

Stupid, dumb, and slow.

...

I don't know where to go.

What should I do.

Cuz everything is a mistake at this point.

What's the use. 

Of me even being here.

...

Paint me an ungrateful sinner
-Me.