Deadass Diary

Yes, corona happened in 2020. Caused me to miss my University friends. Sucks man. Really sucks. Starting this one off dark, I lost my dad. He died. on the 4th of September 2020. I'm still having a hard time until today, thinking about him just makes me cry. Sure he wasn't the best dad.. But he tried. And I wasn't the best daughter either. I'm sure he's looking down at me from above, disappointed of what I truly am. And now, my brother and I just recently fought over something stupid, but it wasn't even my fault. We haven't talked in 3 weeks and its really bringing me down, since he is my one and only brother and was my friend at home. This frustrates me even more. Being chained to this house and the responsibilities it holds for me. Its sickening. "You're not working. Its fine" Yeah, but there limits to what I can do at my age. I set those limits because I want to start caring for myself. But when I put these limits, people see it as an excuse....

So I watched Steven Universe Future and I loved it. Why? Because it was focusing more on Steven (ep18 hasn't come out yet so I might be wrong) BUT for the past few episodes it just gave Steven a chance to learn more about himself. It sucks that he has to go through thoughts like "If I'm not my mom, who am I?" and the urge to know what he's going to do in his future has him conflicted. And because he has faced much larger threats when he was a child and he needed to learn to survive, now when he faced minor threat(to his emotion - featuring Connie's rejection) his body is always on standby-survival-mode and THAT IS NOT HEALTHY MY FRIENDS. Steven is just a kid, regardless how old he is in the SUF. And for him to experience such trauma that he made his own mind and gem to remember the pain and always be ready is just heartbreaking. Not only that, the fact that he is always there for people but people aren't there for him FRUSTRATES me even more. Like ...

“I want her.” That was the sentence that everyone in the room has chanted more than several times. “What is the password?” seems to be the question of everyone who has their fingertips locked on their digital keyboards. I stared at the device in my hands and I knew that this time I felt different. I used to be those people who lusted for her and was willing to do her bidding just to be connected to the society and on the latest trends. Most people wouldn’t want to be left out, and I was one of them. Nobody mattered unless you were her and I used to glorify her. The Wi-Fi. Funny isn’t it? The connection of your mobile device depends on how good does the Wi-Fi feel today. She might give you 2 bars if you didn’t greet her a good morning. She might give you 5 bars if you massaged her feet day and night. I stopped being one of those people who would worship at the ground she walked on and ravish on the left overs she threw. Why was I the only one who changed? Yes, being connect...

Insights of what happened in class in my point of view. If you think what I say differs from yours, do me a favor and remind yourself that different people have different opinions. INTRODUCTION TO INTERNATIONAL COMMUNICATION Okay so, the lecturer who taught my class was not an expert on that subject, however, she did do her homework(research about this subject) and I highly respect this. She did a good job on educating us as well as providing us with the right materials. The educational material we mainly used was by Daya Kishan Thussu - International Communication. As for this course, it is different from what I've learned during CFS. Our assessment in this course was assessed by quiz(of course), presentation, forum & debate. Also you have to write a review based on an article that your lecturer gives you. INTRODUCTION TO WORLD LITERATURE. I love literature so much. But did I love this class? FUCK NO. Our lecturer often cancels the class. And when we do hav...

I'm very conflicted. I don't understand myself. Sounds like some cliche shit, so if you don't want to read further down it's fine. This is my deadass diary after all. If you knew me well, you'll know that I'm an artistic person. I'm not claiming I'm a talented artistic person, I'm just 'artistic'. Even though I'm passionate in drawing and writing, I'm not equally good at both areas. Let's say I enjoy them . And I enjoy them so much that it made me think if I could turn this into a possible career. An artist or an author, those were the options I had for my future job. Regardless of how that idea sparkled in my head, the answer has always been very clear since I was a child. No. It was just a false hope, a false dream. My art isn't like those that people would remember of. Same goes to my writing. I still have problems when writing and my art doesn't improve as I don't have time to invest in it...

Well well well. Looks like who came to the deserted part of Johor? I'm just kidding. (not really) My first thoughts on the Pagoh Edu Hub is that wherever you go, the sun will be seeping beneath your skin for 24/7. Since it's a new environment, it's understandable to see trees as tall as your 155cm friends and of course the insufficient amount of cafes need to be issued here right now. Bandar University Pagoh literally just consists of UTHM, IIUM UTM and PoliTeknik. And I ended up in UIA Pagoh due to my course major which is English for International Communication(ENCOM) - because the 4 course majors which are MALCOM, ENCOM, PTHM and ARCOM are placed in Kuliyyah of Languages Management. When I first arrived here, I could see my future taking the part time job as a pekerja ladang kelapa sawit. Why? Because the palm trees are literally the only trees that has surrounded this area. The buildings here are beautiful no doubt, but it's still lacking in many areas that need...